Well, first things first. I don't expct anyone to read this. I was always told that if I wanted to get somethng off my chest I sould wrte it down. So I am writing it down. You can reply, I will respond, but ths is my outlet. my way of getting things off my chest.
Please ignore the speling and grammer. :-)
its November 15th 2009. I am sitting in my room. My room is a bedroom in a shared house as I can no longer live with my wife and kids. I'm 36 by the way. I met my wife ten years ago. she was the sister of one of the blkes that taught me to ride a motorbike. the first contact i ever had with her was over the phone. i took a phone call in the bike training centre as they were busy, it was her. we chatted a little while and i knew that we would be together. i know it sounds daft but it was just knew it. we had a rocky start to our relasonship but we got married 10 months later. i thought we would be together forever, she did too, i am sooo in love with her. about a month ago it all went pear shaped. she told me that she didn't love me anymore.
i have been depressed for quite a while but didn't realise it. i do now. she couldn't take my bad moods, mood swings and all round downness.
we have a business, so i have to see her everyday. and it is tearing me apart. i am ok for a little while but then i start to think about the good times and that i can never have them again with her. she is beautiful and sexy. i miss her so much.
we do talk, but it nearly always end p with me in tears. sometimes i just want her to hold me and tel me that I'm going to be ok. but i can't let her do that as i never want to let go.
i am on anti-depresants now and am trying to find a counsellor so i know i will et better. but right now i hurt. the pain is unbearable. i have had some thoughts about suicide. I will never do it as we have four kids. a teenage lad and three little girls. if i end it it would absolitly destroy them. but the thoughts are still there. especially in the evening when i am sat all alone. as i am now. alone. the tv's on in the background. but it's just me. and you. i'm not sure how much of this i can take.
i think i'm done for now.
back soon
x
